The second rabbit – consequence of unexpected awareness
In 1999 I was driving my father’s blue Mercedes from Helsinki to Suolahti for
entrance examination. I was 21, highly motivated and sure about myself. I was
feeling free while driving that blue Mercedes and smoking cigarettes in ever
changing view. The weather was good, road was clear and I knew that I did not
have enough fuel for the return journey, neither the money.
I saw a squirrel crossing the
road. As I was in good believe that it will just continue going on the same
direction I changed the lane not to hit it. In the last moment squirrel changed
direction and I drove over it with the front wheel on the driver’s side. I was
feeling such a strong disappointment towards that squirrel for not following my
plan, I actually felt it crumble under my feet.
In my grandmother’s garden at my
mother’s home, where I was also living my first two years, grew a huge
fir next to a hawthorn fence. That fir was a home of my mother´s pet squirrel
when she was 7.
During my grandfather´s funeral I wore stockings around my neck because I was
cold. Later I have visited that graveyard many times, fed squirrels and
rejoiced like a child. A few years ago when my father´s mother was blessed into
her journey to eternity, there was no squirrel to comfort me.
My good intention had been denied
and I ended up killing just because I had noticed that squirrel. Without me it
would be alive and unknown to me. And I would not be crying and repeating:
stupid squirrel.. stupid squirrel.. stupid squirrel.
I was accepted into that school.
Years later I am standing behind
my father’s industrial building and watching snow falling. How it falls on a
branch and disappears. At the same time, falling from the branch and fell to
itself, my ground.
I still love
to smoke cigarettes while driving.
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